Suppose I gave up on the blogging really fast. It started to seem masturbatory somehow.. although I know I'm the only person reading it all.

Anyway, update time.. I'm down to 155. So I have made some progress. I've gone back and forth on the eating like I should.. mostly going overboard on weekends and over the holidays. Suppose it's the final countdown now. I leave on my trip March 25th.

I've been turned on to heated yoga. It's one of the best workouts I've ever experienced. I'm pretty much in love, but with all the trip preparations money is an issue.

I did apply to my top choice graduate school, and even visited he campus in September. I'm nervous. I don't know what my chances are really, but I do know that I really want it. It's all a waiting game at this point. I guess, really, the easiest thing to happen would be not to get in. But then what? I'm so tired of sitting around. The idea of another year in the same place makes me want to cry.

Suppose I'm feeling most like I need a life change along with a weight change. Le sigh.

1. What questions should I be asking myself?

What do you want? Are you willing to move? Are you willing to take less money? If I don't get into school, what's the next step. If I do get into school, what's the next step.

2. Is this what I want to be doing?

I suppose I would have to say no. I'm bored. And I've been a little ashamed to describe "what I do" for a while now. Do I believe I'm helping children? Maybe. I don't know. Maybe I believe I make teacher's lives a little easier. But I don't feel close enough to the positives.

3. Why worry?

4. Why do I like tv more than exercising?

Why do I like mac and cheese more than vegetables?

5. How do I want the world to be different because I lived in it.

I hope I can be someone's friend.. make a few people smile. I hope most of all to minimize the negative impacts that I could bestow.

6. How do I want to be different because I lived in the world.

To understand real love and compassion, and to understand more than myself.

7. Are religious people better people?

Are parents better people?

8. What is my body telling me?

To get laid, to stop drinking, to drink more water, and to exercise more.

9. How much junk?

10. Laugh more.

11. Where am I wrong?

For being scared. For being lazy. For being defensive, and not being able to enjoy other people's happiness.

12. What potential memories am I bartering, and is the profit worth the price?

Every time you choose your comfort zone over the adventure you were meant to have, you're making a ghastly trade-off.

13. Am I the only one struggling?

14. What do I love to practice?

15. Where could I work less and achieve more?

16. I can't keep myself absolutely safe.

17. Where should I break the rules?

18. Are my thoughts hurting or healing? Attitude.

19. Say I had everything I ever wanted.. then what?

the first slip

Well, you know they gotta come I guess. A girl can't live on salad alone. She needs liquor.

Had a great dinner at a southern fusion restaurant with 9 of my great friends. I ate mac and cheese and fried catfish, and I don't even feel bad about it. Granted, I am sleepy today and will probably skip the gym to stop by the post office and get some laundry done.. which I didn't get done the other day like I said I would. Gah, I'm such a bum sometimes!

a child's motivation

3. Set your goals. Figure out what motivates you. - My goal is to look hot when I see my estranged boyfriend in March. He lives in Africa now, and I daydream about seeing him again.. pretty much daily. I went on a beach trip two weekends ago and the pictures were just sad.. I looked all puffy and my face just didn't look right.

And after all, my mental state is something else right now anyway.. if I can get one good thing done for myself hopefully other things will follow.

Honestly, I feel awesome today. My sinuses have been nonstop lately.. not completely sure what that's about.. but other than that I feel really good. I definitely feel a lot less bloated. My energy level hasn't changed exactly. But I accomplished everything I wanted yesterday, so I feel very positive about that. I have my gym clothes ready to go for right after work. Then I'm doing some laundry for sure.

salad salad salad

Just finished my delightful lunch of salad. Hah. It truly was tasty, I must say. I guess I can be thankful that I love vegetables.. even though I don't eat them nearly as much as I should. It consisted of a ton of salad greens, one fresh sliced mushroom, half a small orange bell pepper, about five snow peas but in half, a few slices of red onion, a handful of yellow cherry tomatos, five cut up asparagus spears, and 4 tablespoons of roasted red pepper viniagrette. Granted, I feel empty.. but not hungry exactly. But hey, I still have a bunch of carrots and an orange left! It's stupid, all of this.. but that's what I get for being so horrible to myself up to now.

I purchased my very first scale this weekend, and learned that I am up to 170, which means there is a long 30 lb road ahead of me. Sad really. Can't believe I let it go that far.

2. Purge your home of unhealthy tempting food. - This indeed happened this weekend. Everything icky/naughty went into the trash, and I filled the fridge with veggies and vegan delights. I am going to try and follow fruit for breakfast, salad for lunch and vegan for dinner during the week. Weekends are a little more tricky since I often end up eating out more often. I am also attempting to stick to my food calculator to underline the things that work and I really enjoy.

Tonight I am going to the gym for the first time in a couple months. For shame on me, really. I am going to take a yoga class, and get my butt into the gym every other day this week right after work. Straight from work to gym. Get it over with.

wake up

Desperately ready to stop yo-yoing with my weight, and choosing being a complete lazy ass tv watcher on the couch before working out, practicing my guitar, riding my bike or even reading a book. As a 26 year old woman with a 7:30-4 work schedule and free weekends, there is no excuse for me not to go to the gym every day.. other than complete sloth. For the last five years, I have treated my body like crap.. and some deep therapy sessions might unearth why.. but the why doesn't matter so much any more. I just want to look at myself and not think chin, cottage cheese, arms, belly, ass, I didn't use to have that. I blame you desk job, for stealing my energy.. but now I just have to work harder to overcome that.

There have been some ups in the last few years.. namely 2008 when I started eating pescatarian and had 99% of dairy even out of my diet. I want to go back there and beyond.

1. Spread the word.
This is my attempt to spread the word. Hear ye, hear ye.. I am existentially in a deep pit of need.. a need to somehow make my life into something I want to be a part of. Get weight down to 140, healthy eating and regular gym visits as a habit, pick up my guitar once a day, apply to 5 graduate schools, minimize drinking, move the fuck on, grow the fuck up.

2. Purge your home of unhealthy tempting food.
3. Set your goals. Figure out what motivates you.
4. Create a no-excuse environment.
5. Make gym buddies.
6. Lie to yourself.
7. Find the most unflattering photo of you taken from the worst possible angle, and hang it somewhere in clear sight.
8. Block out time for the gym. Then institute a no-cancellation policy.
9. Snack like an adult. Stop reaching for junk food that you ate as a kid.
10. Think ahead and finish strong.

i could use a priest, maybe a paramedic

my return to 2006

tapping on the glass... watching my heart grow... watching it embarrass me and strip me naked... listening to this song on repeat... one day i will put it away... but i'm stuck copying, saving, sitting and not changing anything or helping anyone or making any decisions... it keeps happening while i run to catch up... it's hissing and i forgot... it's bubbling over and it will burn everything down to a stub... i will sit there while you bring me dinner and i will smile... and i will smile again and then laugh and then love you and believe that i might be dead if you weren't standing there... then i throw up on my pants, out the door and i fill up the world and we're stuck inside... and i've killed everything with my mistakes... and you will make it seem like nothing much